


Eliminating the Impossible

by barefootxo



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 05:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5193548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barefootxo/pseuds/barefootxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the debacle in the Arctic ends Sheldon and Leonard's friendship, Sheldon discovers a new friend who will truly expand his universe. Not slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Roommate Agreement Disintegration

I don’t own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the Big Bang Theory. They belong to Joss Whedon and Chuck Lorre respectively.

  
The following fic contains spoilers for ‘BBT S3E1: The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation’.

 

This chapter is designed to set the scene. Characters of the Buffy-verse will begin appearing in Chapter 2.

 

~~  


When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth… ~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

 

**

 

Sheldon Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D., ~~OMG~~ , felt like his heart was about to explode. Not his biological heart, of course, though he made a mental note to get a cardiogram just in case. Rather it was Sheldon’s metaphorical heart, which so many people that were convinced did not exist, which had taken a blow. So many people accused him of being a Vulcan without truly understanding the core of the accusation they were making. The others believed he lacked emotions. Sheldon, however, was not emotionless. No, much like all Vulcans, including Spock, Sheldon had adopted the Vulcan practice of Kolinahr andthus kept their emotions tightly bound.

 

There was a price for this. Among Vulcans this emotional suppression caused the repressed emotions to erupt like a particularly violent volcano every seven years. The Pon Farr. In Vulcans, the Pon Farr was represented mainly through lust and violence. It was a chance for those emotions to truly run wild. It was also a source of great shame to the usually collected race. Sheldon, who proudly practiced the Earth man’s equivalent of Kolinahr was now paying the piper. The betrayal of Leonard, Howard and Raj was causing his emotional control to strain his control. Even now, Sheldon was straining to control the sheer, acidic rage which threatened to overwhelm him.

 

‘Kolinahr,’ Sheldon’s mind whispered. ‘Purge all emotion. Let the rage cool. Let logic rule the realm once more. Only through the supplication of cool logic can equilibrium return.’ Sheldon shut his eyes and calmed his rapid, unsteady breathing. ‘Apply logic and the world will make sense again.’ Sheldon seriously considered going home to Texas and abandoning everything. ‘No! You were meant to bring order to this troubled galaxy!’ Sheldon froze. It was true. He had seen it since he was a small child. His brilliance was desperately needed. He was on the path to helping people understand the universe. There was nothing more important than that. Nothing!

 

Sheldon quickly discarded the idea of leaving. He had too much to do. Even if people’s belief in him had been shaken by the actions of Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali, which Sheldon was certain it had been, he was still needed. The next inclination he had was to collapse his entire social circle and start fresh. ‘Apply logic. Do not dismiss all of them out of hand.’ Sheldon nodded to himself.

 

Penny… Penny was safe. The only thing she was guilty of in this debacle was poor taste in sexual partners. If Sheldon started dismissing people on that basis, than he would feel compelled to dismiss virtually everyone in existence from consideration. As tempting as that was, it was excessive.  


Howard and Raj… Those two were surprisingly the most difficult. Their betrayal cut him deeply. Still, neither man was his best friend. Neither man was bound by any agreements beyond the basic social contracts that by which everyone is bound. They had broken numerous social contracts though, and severely. The decision came. Three strikes and banishment. If they took his class, then they would be brought back in. If not, that was their choice. Compared to what they had done, Penny’s early sending Internet banality simply paled.

 

Leonard… That decision was both the easiest and the most difficult. On the one hand, Leonard was his best friend. On the other hand, _Leonard was his best friend_ and had still engaged in the most base of betrayals. Worse still, Leonard had led the betrayal. Goodness knew that Wolowitz and Koothrappali were not leaders, no matter how much they liked to pretend they were. No, Leonard had lead them in this betrayal.

 

Leonard had violated numerous tenets of the roommate and friendship agreement. Worst of all, though, Leonard had broken the ‘Intolerable Clause’ of the roommate agreement. The Intolerable Clause was a series of five acts which would immediately void the roommate agreement in favour of the offended party. The very _first_ act mentioned in the intolerable clause was deliberate sabotage of the other roommate’s work. Sheldon’s emotional side was confused between his deep friendship with Leonard, which wanted him to forgive, and his vengeful feelings of betrayal, which wanted him to string Leonard up by his own intestines. Sheldon took a moment to marvel at the violence his mind was able to conjure up, before moving on. His logical side was not confused at all. Leonard was out. Leonard could no longer be trusted. Their friendship and cohabitation was over…

 

**

 

Howard and Raj watched in fascination and horror at the unprecedented level of emotion that crossed Sheldon’s face as he held himself up using his white board, almost clinging to it like it was a life preserver, barely keeping his head above water that would otherwise surely have drowned him. Howard, in particular, was shocked to see the dark expression of wrath contorting Sheldon’s face into a frightening parody of Sheldon’s usual look of dismissive aloofness. Other emotions flashed across Sheldon’s face, sadness being the second-most prominent after wrath. Finally, the roller-coaster ride they were on had ended and Sheldon’s face froze into a cool mask that seemed a little more frigid than was normal for him. Howard managed to summon the courage to speak. “Look, Sheldon… we’re really sorry about this…”

 

“Bizui!”* Sheldon’s eyes appeared to harden into chips of ice before their very eyes. “Your apology is insufficient. You have both lied to me maliciously… Strike 1… You have both sabotaged my work… Strike 2… You have both failed to warn me about the aforementioned sabotage in a timely manner, causing me to publicly humiliate and discredit myself in the eyes of the scientific community…” Sheldon paused for a long moment and glared fiercely at the two miscreants. “In case you are wondering, that was sure as shootin’, Strike 3… You are banished.”

 

“Sheldon, we…”

 

“Banished!” This time Sheldon’s voice held a hint of barely restrained emotion.

 

Raj shuddered. The emotion in Sheldon’s voice was disconcerting to say the least. It reminded him of Sarek crying**. Raj grabbed Howard’s arm and pulled him from the apartment. This was beyond a simple apology. At this point, Raj wondered if even taking Sheldon’s class would be sufficient.

 

**

 

*Knock knock knock* “Leonard…” *Knock knock knock* “Leonard…”*Knock knock knock* “Leonard…”

 

Penny Hansen*** broke away from her enthusiastic embrace with Leonard Hofstadter, mentally sighing. Of course, Sheldon would interrupt her reunion with Leonard. Leonard’s soft cursing that he ‘could not catch a break’ felt both faintly amusing and faintly insulting, though she was not entirely sure why. “We should answer it, Leonard.”

 

Leonard shook his head resolutely. “If we ignore him, maybe he’ll go away.”

 

“I’m not going to go away. I’m going to keep knocking until one of you answers.”

 

Penny sighed and opened the door, ignoring Leonard’s pout and his kicked puppy expression. Sheldon was like a dog with a bone. He wouldn’t release it until he was all done gnawing on it. She was not about to make out with Leonard while Sheldon was beating a tattoo on her door. It was better to get whatever the whackadoodle wanted out of the way. “What is it, Sweetie?”

 

Penny was confronted with by an unusually stern version of Sheldon. That was an impressive feat. Sheldon had always been pretty stern. She hadn’t known he could achieve an even sterner facial expression than his usual one. “I apologize for interrupting, Penny, but you have an entire lifetime to continue making poor choices and I need to converse with Dr. Hofstadter, post haste.”

 

Penny’s shock at hearing Sheldon refer to Leonard by his title, rather than his first name, combined with Sheldon leading with a genuine-sounding apology, stopped Penny from focussing too much on his shot about her making poor choices. Leonard, however, was sensing impending coitus and ignored all the warning signs that Sheldon was subtly displaying. “What do you want, Sheldon?”

 

Sheldon’s facial expression was practically carved from granite. “Dr. Hofstadter, were you involved in the falsification of data during my expedition to the magnetic north pole?”

 

The experimental physicist actually looked faintly chagrined at that. “Yes, but…”

 

“No! The ‘but’ stops here, Dr. Hofstadter!” Sheldon loudly proclaimed, actually holding up his hand as if to stop the explanation physically. “It is with great regret that I tender notice that you are in violation of Part 2, Section A of the roommate agreement, which reads thusly: Part 2, the Intolerable Clause: Roommates agree that in the event of one of following five intolerable acts being committed by one of the signatories of the roommate agreement, the transgressor forfeits that month’s rent and is required to immediately vacate the apartment. Section A: A roommate did knowingly sabotage the work of the other roommate.” Sheldon held up the roommate agreement like it was a sword of old. “Is this not your signature, Dr. Hofstadter?”

 

Leonard paled faintly. “Yes, but…”

 

Sheldon shook his head resolutely. “No, Leonard. I’m afraid this is a violation of the roommate agreement that cannot be overlooked. Our cohabitation is ended.” Sheldon turned slightly to engage Penny in conversation again. “Thank you for your time, Penny. You may now get back to your mistake.” With that, Sheldon turned on his heel and left the apartment.

 

Leonard and Penny stood there for a long moment, both trying to process all that had happened in the last fifteen minutes… Leonard turned a hopeful gaze upon Penny. “I don’t suppose you would be willing to take in a roommate?”

 

~~

 

Author’s Notes:

 

* ‘Bizui’ essentially means shut up in Mandarin. While Sheldon is far from an expert in Mandarin, his fervent devotion to Firefly should have rendered him an expert in the short litany of Mandarin phrases that are used in that fandom.

 

** Sarek cries in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation (S3E23: Sarek) due to a disease which prevents him from properly controlling his emotions. For a Vulcan to cry was considered very disconcerting.

 

*** Penny’s last name is made up for the purposes of this fic. She does not have a canon last name as of yet.

 

Jasper


	2. The Balance Demon Conjecture

I don’t own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the Big Bang Theory. They belong to Joss Whedon and Chuck Lorre respectively.

  
The following fic contains spoilers for ‘BBT S2E13: The Friendship Algorithm’, and

‘BBT S3E22: The Staircase Implementation’.

 

~~

 

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone… ~ Rose Kennedy

 

**

 

President James Siebert pinched his nose in frustration as he reluctantly listened to the incessant whining that permeated his office. The incident at the Magnetic North Pole had caused lasting and serious problems for the university. Caltech’s most prestigious theoretical physicist had all but torpedoed his credibility with his false claims of having proven String Theory. In virtually any other situation, Siebert would have simply fired Cooper and sought out a new star scientist. The problem was that Cooper had believed his results to be credible when he announced them. It was sabotage, caused by his three colleagues which had led to this PR nightmare for both the university and Dr. Cooper personally.

 

That was the source of the whinging in his office. Amazingly enough, to Siebert, it was not Dr. Cooper doing the whining. Upon hearing of the punishment that was to be levied against his three colleagues, Cooper had been surprisingly reasonable and quiet. He had simply nodded his satisfaction. Dr. Koothrappali and Mr. Wolowitz were bearing their semi-disgrace like men. That is to say that they were keeping their heads down and mouths shut, not daring to mouth one word of protestation about being placed on probation for the next year at the minimum.

 

No, Dr. Hofstadter was the man who could not seem to grasp the sheer severity of this situation. The others had left Siebert’s office fifteen minutes ago and Hofstadter would just not shut up and get over it. At this rate, Siebert was liable to have to make the man interviewing for the librarian position wait and, given how much difficulty he was having filling that position, the president’s patience was beginning to fray. “Enough, Dr. Hofstadter. My decision on this matter is not up for debate.”

 

“But President Siebert… I really don’t think you grasp just how difficult it was deal with Sheldon up there.” Leonard’s whine was really beginning to grate on him. “It was either use the can-opener or use a crossbow.”

 

Siebert did not appreciate the scientist’s theatrics. “I don’t understand? I don’t understand? Why do you think I sent him up to the North Pole in the first place, Dr. Hofstadter? I wanted a break from putting up with the man. The fact that he was the right man for the job was just gravy. I’m well aware of how annoying and difficult to work with the man is, Doctor. Frankly, that’s the only reason you and the others still have a job at all… because I do understand. That being said, this sort of academic sabotage is inappropriate in the extreme and for me not to punish you at all would make this university even more of a laughingstock then you have already achieved. No, Doctor. I am not feeling very sympathetic at the moment.”

 

“But Sir!”

 

“No. I have an appointment with an applicant that is already five minutes overdue due to your complaints. I do not have the time for this.” James’ nostrils flared in repressed irritation.

 

Leonard’s expression grew all the more pleading. “How were we to know it would be that bad?”

 

The President scoffed. “You lived with the man for years, Dr. Hofstadter. How could you _not_ know what the man is like to live with? No, Doctor. You have exhausted the last vestiges of my sympathy. Now get back to work or pack your bags. I am tired of this nonsense.”

 

Siebert watched with a tired expression as the shorter man left the office in a huff. There were days when he asked himself which of his scientists irritated him more. Their neuroses ran the gamut including superiority complexes, inferiority complexes, speech disorders, general lewd behaviour, a whole host of phobias and a number of obsessions and fixations. The man rubbed his eyes and grasped his bottle of aspirin. Two extra-strength Advils and a swig of bottled water quickly soothed the scientist-induced migraine.

 

President Siebert pressed a button to buzz his secretary. “Is the applicant for the librarian position still in?”

 

His personal assistant, Carol, chirped back cheerily. “Yes Sir. Shall I send him in?”

 

James sighed in relief. Wolowitz’s borderline sexual harassment had chased off the last candidate. Cooper’s condescending attitude had chased off two before that. Kripke’s generally loathsome attitude had chased off the one before that. The list went on. If Hofstadter’s complaints had caused his latest candidate to leave because of the wait, Siebert would have gleefully revisited the idea of firing the man. “Yes, please do Carol.”

 

**

 

Sheldon felt a sigh of irritation building in his chest as he and Kripke exchanged heated words in the cafeteria. If only could ever express his counterarguments and put-downs as mathematical equations, he was sure that he could truly great at it. Unfortunately, public speaking had never really been his thing, especially with large or hostile groups. Close friends were much easier to speak to. Unfortunately, he found himself lacking much in the way of close friends. With Leonard forever out of his inner circle and Howard and Raj at least temporarily banished, he simply didn’t have anyone other than Penny who would help him rally in such a situation. And Penny didn’t visit the university. The sigh finally escaped him as Kripke rambled on in his usual, barely comprehensible blather. “… Einstein's cosmological constant was right all along. So you're still, surprise surprise…”

 

“Doctor Sheldon Cooper?”

 

Sheldon blinked in shock, having not noticed the other man coming up to him. He wasn’t used to not noticing things, especially so distinctive a person as the man who had just interrupted Kripke. Sheldon thought briefly about taking the man to task for interrupting his conversation, but instead found that he was absurdly grateful. Even he, as unskilled at human interaction as he was, knew that Kripke had been successfully making a fool of him in public. “Do I know you?”

 

The man, who was wearing an eye-patch, was tall and broad-shouldered, certainly a physically intimidating individual by Sheldon’s standards. Still, he wasn’t a steroid-popping baboon like Kurt, so Sheldon had hope he wasn’t another cruel moron. “I understand you’re looking for a roommate. I’m new to the area and was hoping to apply for the position.”

 

Sheldon straightened slightly. This was a far more serious potential discussion than he had been expecting. Searching for a new roommate was serious business. One had to weed out the various undesirables, idiots, weirdos, whistlers and people with irredeemable hygiene. Also people who inscribed messages concerning Sheldon’s death on the walls were not particularly welcome either. “Are you aware of the criteria?”

 

The man shrugged uncaringly. “I assume that you wanted someone who works here, though I suppose you may have posted notices elsewhere. I also saw that you don’t want to room with balance demons or people who whistle. If it’s the first, I can’t say that I blame you. If it’s the second then I don’t really whistle that much and can certainly live without it. Good enough.”

 

As Sheldon attempted to process that random bit of digression, _‘a Balance Demon, honestly’_ , Kripke had apparently reached the limit of his patience “Excuse me, but you are interwupting a conversation we were having.”

 

Sheldon found himself singularly amused when the man in the eye-patch turned a chilly look on the physicist. “Actually what I interrupted was a grade-school pissing match taking place in a university. The conversation that was taking place was the one that you were interrupting.”

 

Kripke pulled himself up to his full height. He was respectably tall for a physicist, though still inferior to both Sheldon and the other man. “I am Doctor BawwyKwipke…”

 

The man in the eye-patch simply stared at Kripke with an uncompromising expression. It was at that moment that Sheldon noticed what had been subtly niggling at him about this new man. He only had one eye. Sheldon had seen many people, including Wolowitz, wearing an eye-patch as ornamentation in some feeble attempt to mate. It was transparent and generally ineffective and Sheldon had initially assumed that this man was one such individual. Closer examination of the man’s face, however, suggested that the man wore the eye-patch to cover up a missing eye. _‘Fascinating’_.

 

Kripke, meanwhile, appeared increasingly uncomfortable with the man’s cool regard and had apparently had decided that discretion was the better part of valor. “It was nice meeting you,” he muttered as he slunk away to find a hole to hide in.

 

Sheldon allowed a faint smirk to cross his face as he watched Kripke leave. “I believe you have already passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. Onto the second barrier: What is the fifth halogen?”

 

The man looked at him in faint confusion and then shrugged. “I have no idea.”

 

Sheldon considered calling it quits right there. The man was obviously not a scientist, though at least _he_ seemed sure of his answer. Still, Penny had proven that non-scientists could be tolerable company and Leonard (and Kripke) had proven that scientists could be unpleasant company. “You do work at the university, do you not?” _‘Not a geologist. Please not a geologist…’_

 

The man smiled pleasantly. “President Siebert just hired me on today, actually. I’m the new librarian.”

 

“And will you be able to drive me to and from work, despite the destruction of your eye?”

 

The man either blinked or winked at that. It was hard to tell with the eye-patch. “I could, if you need me to. I’m certainly qualified to drive. It took some time, you understand, but I’m currently well capable.”

 

Sheldon nodded in satisfaction and finally motioned the man to sit down at the otherwise empty table. “Excellent. What is your name? I’ll need to do some extensive research later to confirm that you aren’t some degenerate killer or some such.”

 

The man actually grinned in response to what most people would call paranoia. _‘It’s just good sense, for my mother’s heaven’s sake. I don’t know this man from Albert Einstein… Except that Einstein could have told me the fifth halogen is astatine.’_ “My name is Alexander Harris,though my friends call me Xander.”

 

Sheldon swiftly noted it down in his head. He would research the man later. For now, the university was a safe enough environment to continue the important questions in relative unconcern. “Very well, then. Kirk or Picard?”

 

Given the man’s physicality, Sheldon half-expected to hear the man ask who. The response he got was as unexpected as it was faintly gratifying. “Reynolds.”

 

Sheldon couldn’t believe what he had heard. He had to be sure. “Justify.”

 

Xander smirked slightly, but quickly did as he was asked. “Kirk is too trigger-happy, and Picard is too preachy and gun-shy. Reynolds will fight when he needs to and negotiate when it’s appropriate. He’s also a man who does what needs doing and makes no apologies for doing so.”

 

Sheldon couldn’t believe it: a Firefly fan. It was too much to hope for, but he certainly wasn’t going to question the universe when t shifted to suit his purpose. “You have passed the second barrier to roommate-hood. If you provide me with an e-mail address where you can be reached, I will get back to you as soon as I’m finished with my background check. Assuming you check out, then we can go over and sign the roommate agreement. _‘Oh yes… This is a good day indeed._

 

_~~_

 

Jasper


End file.
